I love bowing. Well, let me back up the context bullet train a bit… I love Japan. Like, I really love Japan, okay? I’ve spent time in Tokyo and Kyoto and haven’t stopped thinking about them since. Japan is just the craziest, most exciting, hospitable, thrilling, magical place I’ve ever visited. It’s probably why I love watching Tokyo Vice (on MAX) and Shogun (Hulu and FX) so much. If your show or movie features Japan, I’m in! But not if monsters destroy it. I’m out, so don’t even push play, bro. That’s just too sad for me to watch. Can’t the monsters just hang out and enjoy the city, not destroying the buildings? Why are they so angry? Why can’t they just stop for one second and find their Zen?
These two shows have reminded me how much I love Japan and how much I love bowing. If you’re new to Earth, bowing is when a person bends at the waist while standing, arms to their sides, eyes downward, in a display of respect, gratitude, salutation, apology, and even social status. It’s a huge part of Japanese culture, and I have always thought we should do it in America. Seriously! So, let’s check out some of the advantages of bringing bowing into American life.
1 Chris Rock Wouldn’t Have Gotten Slapped If He Bowed
At the Oscars, when Will Smith charged the stage – filled with rage from his wife possibly dating other men and/or the fact he did the film “After Earth” – if host Chris Rock had suddenly bowed in the name of Japanese etiquette, Will Smith would’ve never landed that slap. He would’ve swung over Chris Rock’s head, offsetting his balance and possibly sending him to the floor. After an embarrassing move like that, nobody is maintaining the confidence to finish what they started. Will would’ve gotten back on his feet, the audience would’ve awkwardly laughed, categorizing the moment as a failed comedy bit, and Chris would have tossed to the next segment. America would’ve been much better off with that conclusion. But now, the general public feels it acceptable to slap anybody who makes a throw-away alopecia joke. What has this country become?
2 It’s Good for Your Lower Back
If you’ve ever pulled something in your lower back, you know the excruciating pain that comes with bending forward. Your lower back engages as it hangs over the waist, but the force of gravity still triggers pain. So, when your back is healthy, why not strengthen it in preparation for those aching days? It’s like when you’re sober, why not stock up on Liquid IV, hide your car and/or scooter, delete your exes’ socials, call ahead to every karaoke bar, and make them promise to forbid you to sing? It’s all about preparation for the storm.
Holding a bow every day will certainly strengthen your core and lower back muscles. Do I know this for a fact? Absolutely not. I majored in English, and the closest thing I’ve ever held to a medical degree was the pilot script for Nurse Jackie. But listen, doesn’t it seem like I’m correct? If not, please accept my deepest apologies… (Michael performs a long bow – not to be attempted by amateurs.)
3 It Leads to a Proud Mother
Look, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but people around the neighborhood are starting to refer to you as “dopey” and “lazy.” Your poor mother is struggling to defend the fact that her adult child still lives at home. Plus, the fact that you don’t even help with the yard work is turning the community against you. Just go out there and start pulling some weeds, for Christ’s sake.
So, why not start bowing? Think about it… Bowing will show everyone that you’re capable of identifying something you’re interested in, researching it, understanding it, practicing it, and then putting it into action on the public stage. Everyone will immediately see you as a capable contributor to society or someone who is suffering from mental illness. Either way, it’s a big win because they will bow down and back off!
Bonus: Bowing is a practice from a foreign land; therefore, your neighbors will probably assume you’re well-traveled, and that will excite them greatly. They’ll remember Steve Jobs started Apple out of his parent’s garage, and they’ll also remember that he traveled to India to find inspiration. So, in their minds, they’ll start to put you in the same arena as Steve Jobs. After just about a week of bowing, they’ll start to see you as a future billionaire entrepreneur who is crashing at home with mom while inventing the next big thing. See how we turned that around? Now, Mom is so proud of you! You’re welcome.
4 How on Earth Can You Fight Over Politics After Bowing?
Try it. Next time you’re debating politics with someone, request that you start things off by bowing to each other in a display of great respect. After such an exchange of high regard, how could you logically or emotionally justify a shouting match about things like China, Jewish Space Lasers, and/or Ohioans eating cats? You cannot! Especially knowing that another bow is coming at the end of the debate. So, don’t stand there fully erect and tell me that “bow bookending” your debates wouldn’t bring much-needed civility to political discourse. Plus, we all know it’s impossible to win a political debate, so why not feel the sweet nectar of victory by holding your bow longer than your opponent? I mean, at this point, your lower back muscles are stronger than Japanese steel so you will hold and hold and hooooooold your way to victory.
5 You’re Pretty Much a Certified Yoga Instructor at This Point
Warrior pose, downward facing dog, and now bowing. Doesn’t bowing feel like it could fit nicely into your vinyasa flow? Sure, some angry critics will blast the notion by saying it isn’t as sophisticated or engaging as the other yoga poses. But how dare you stand there in your obscenely tight yoga pants and tell me that bowing isn’t more engaging than my favorite pose done at the end of class, Savasana. You know how I know it isn’t? Because I fall asleep every single time I do it. Do you know why I fall asleep? Because I’m doing NOTHING.
That’s why I strongly feel if you’re constantly bowing for 365 days a year, you can pretty much honestly look someone in the eyes and say:
“Well, yes, I perform yoga every single day. I could easily teach a class. No problem. So… I have years of experience. Yep. Quite the pro. That’s me. Anyway, am I hired?”
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